Making your Village
If you have been reading the blog, the last post was about partner support. This one is all about your village.
Having a partner to become a parent with is wonderful, and overwhelming. The partner is trying to support the birthing parent, working together on taking care of the baby, and so many other tasks. This is a lot for any one person, which is why it’s not supposed to be just one person!
Historically humans have not birthed alone, nor have we parented alone. We lived in communities for love and support. When you have a baby you need all of that support! So what kind of village do you have, and what to do if you don’t have one?
Let’s start with if you have a village. That can be family, friends, people from work, church or school, neighbors, and more. Anyone who is in your life, and will be in your baby’s life. There are many ways they can help, but often people don’t know what to do or don’t want to intrude, so they say “Let me know if you need anything.” Well first if you are supporting someone I highly recommend offering suggestions like, “Can I come walk your dog each morning this week?” or “I’ll be dropping by groceries on Monday and I’ll check your list but if you have anything to add just let me know”.
If your people are unsure, give them suggestions. Tell people what you need, here are some starting points:
-Kids- if you have older kids the first thing you need is support taking care of your older kid. Park trips are great to burn some energy too!
-Animals- take care of your pets, feed, water, walk, whatever they need (in my case someone would get bunny snuggles and to watch my chickens be silly)
-Laundry- having a newborn is messy! There is always laundry
-Food- yes everyone loves to bring food. Ask someone to stay on top of the situation- separating into portions and freezing, helping with some rotation so you aren’t eating the same casserole 6 meals in a row!
-Cleaning- nothing feels as great as looking at clean floors or a shiny bathroom that you didn’t have to clean
-Random- watering your plants (inside or outside), bringing your trash cans out to the street or back in, grabbing your mail from the box
-Errands- dropping off your Amazon return, picking up a bag of dog food, dropping off a library book return, etc
And one of the major jobs of the village is to support your partner! That way your partner can support you. If your neighbor walks the dog, your mom cooks you dinner, partner’s co-worker drops off groceries, and a friend does your laundry it leaves your partner to help YOU and baby directly. To burp, change, rock and soothe. To bring you a snack and water, get you a pillow or do some skin to skin baby wearing so you can go take a long shower.
Now what happens if you don’t have a village? Well I would estimate more than 50% of my clients don’t have a village, or have a very small one. Maybe you moved, aren’t close with your family, or just don’t have anyone who can help. Sometimes there are organizations that can help, other times you have to pay for it. So how do you create a village of support?
-Lactation (well you are already reading here so you know how great it is!). Having someone help with feedings and supply will make your life so much easier.
-Doula- this is a whole profession built on support! A doula is an amazing support person and great for birth, but also postpartum. Some are just there to watch baby while you sleep (like a night doula) others help during the day with other tasks too.
-Housecleaner- having someone come, even just once or twice, will make your space feel so much calmer and easier for you to relax in.
-Laundry- have a service pick up and deliver clean clothes!
-Grocery delivery- you can order those groceries and have them delivered right to you.
-Food- take out is nice at first but it can be tiring. A meal delivery service is nice, there are ones that come as ingredients to be cooked and others that come with frozen portions ready to go.
-Hire a neighborhood kid to do the little tasks- trash cans, watering, even walking the dog
As you can see there are many ways to get support, and many, many ways that people can support you! When I meet with pregnant parents I recommend thinking about all these things, and setting up some support, with back up options, before baby is here and your are sleep deprived. What things helped you the most postpartum? I’d love to hear from you.