The importance of partner support

Having a baby is a massive life-changing event. Honestly calling it an event is not an adequate term, that makes it sound like something that happens and then ends. Like a party, or graduation. Having a baby changes your life forever!

Of course you can parent by yourself, single parents are amazing. However, if you have a partner and are having a baby together, the parenting work should be done together too. It’s not uncommon for partners to ask me how can they help after the baby is here, so let’s talk all about that.

First, during the pregnancy, there is a lot your partner can do to help. Yes thee is the obvious going to medical appointments with you and learning about pregnancy. I encourage partners to listen to the pregnant parent, but also do their own research. Reading books about changes that can happen during pregnancy can really help build connection too. Often the pregnant parent can feel like all of this is happening only to them, and the co-parent doesn’t feel connected to the pregnancy, especially in the first trimester. But when the co-parent knows what’s happening it really helps! For example knowing that pregnancy often causes extreme fatigue (especially int the first trimester) means instead of asking what needs to be done, it would be more helpful to suggest the pregnant parent nap and you wash dishes, fold laundry, take the dog for a walk, etc. Knowing that nausea is common means having certain easy foods on hand would be super helpful.

While asking what is needed can be helpful, it should only apply to the other person. What I mean is asking if the pregnant person needs a certain food, wants a food rub or a nap is great. They know their body best and can tell you what they need. However asking what dinner is, what is needed at the store, what chores need to be done around the house- that is different. Those are shared tasks, you are both adults living in the same space. Don’t ask the pregnant partner to do the mental load too.

When the baby arrives, there is tons a partner can do. Even if we exclude feeding, babies need a lot! There is the obvious burping and diapering, walking/holding/rocking to sleep. Baby wearing is not jsut great for the birthing parent but also for the support parent! Baby wearing is a way to meet everyone’s needs and is much more ergonomic than trying to do things while holding a sleeping baby. Save your back, wear that baby!

Besides those basic baby things, there is still a home and life happening. That means cooking, groceries, dishes, laundry, paying bills, walking the dog, cleaning the house. All the mental load items too- remembering to book medical appointments, meal planning, making the grocery list, checking on supplies to make sure you won’t run out (things like pads, diapers, wipes, etc). These are things that commonly live in the head of one person in most couples, and if that is the case and the mental load is carried by the birthing parent, then that’s something else a partner should carry during the postpartum period (and it can lead to figuring out how to divide this in the future).

Regarding infant feeding, there is still more that can be done to help. If the birthing parent is feeding, then as the support parent can bring a drink, snack, burp cloth, book, or anything else that is needed. Helping with positioning- a pillow, footrest, rolled towel, anything to help the parent get comfortable. Then if pumping or bottle feeding is happening, that is a great place to support too. Washing pump and bottle parts, learning how to do paced bottle feeding, handling all the milk/formula mixing, storage, and heating needs.

As you can see there is so much a partner can do, and this list is just the beginning. Playing with baby, reading to them, giving the bath, bringing a cup of tea and a snack to a feeding parent, this is a time for lots and lots of support.

Now if you are wondering how the support parent can do all this (possibly while working, depending on leave) check out my blog post next week on village support!